Unlocking Hidden Gems: Making Space For Introverts

The Wisdom of Silence

From a young age, I was fascinated by wise leaders and philosophers. I studied not just their words but their demeanors. I noticed a common attribute - the ones I admired most were quiet, observant, calm, and only spoke when it was impactful.

Being a highly extroverted performer right out of the womb, patiently sitting in silence was always challenging for me. I was brash and defiant from childhood, always feeling the uncontrollable urge to speak up, especially if I felt it was a matter of injustice.

The Power of Speaking Up

In middle school, my friend’s parents nicknamed me “La Abogada” (The Lawyer). I earned that title when we, along with a few other classmates, got called into the principal’s office with our parents. It was my first time getting into trouble at school. I was so embarrassed, terrified. The crime? Prank calling teachers. (Lame, right?)

Despite my nerves, instinctively I was the only one speaking up for everyone, defending our case - La Abogada.

To be clear, we did place the calls, but some of the details and severity of the matter were being wildly exaggerated by a teacher who despised and chastised me daily for no apparent reason. When I addressed the administrators, our judges and jury, to correct an important inaccuracy in one of her accusations, she became enraged and yelled in my face,

"You're a liar!"

Some of my introverted friends in the room slipped into slight shock. Not Me! I turned away from her beet-red face and passionately addressed the administrators:

"I am NOT lying. She just likes to pick on me becasue Everybody knows she hates me!"  

The parents and administrators gasped! Was this true? I was an outstanding and generally well-liked student. This couldn't be true. I had never complained about it, suffering in silence for fear of retribution. But being falsely accused made me feel suddenly empowered. When the oppressive teacher feigned shock at my statement, my fellow “defendants” finally piped up, with affirming head nods -

“It’s true. Everybody knows it.”

We got in trouble that day, but so did my oppressive teacher. Despite her ever-obvious distaste for me, at least her daily abuse ended from that day on.

Embracing The Quiet

Speaking up was in my nature. In many cases, it was valuable to my survival and success.

Early in my professional life, however, I realized this was not always useful. I admired and carefully studied the quiet ones. The people who seemed so wise because they talked less and listened more. They drew me in, wondering what they were seeing and thinking that I may have missed. It felt like they were sitting in observation and judgement of us “talkers.” Most of them were.

When I began leading people, I was in my 20’s, still bold and brash, still had a lot to say - not always relevant or impactful in the moment. I hit enough walls and failed in handling enough conflicts to learn that if I wanted to be successful, I had to adapt my behavior. I had to start embracing the silence, “Talk less - Smile More” (for my fellow Hamilton fans.)

Just as important, I had to learn how to coax more words out of those who were being silenced, inadvertently or on purpose, by the talkers. We were losing valuable and wise information, perspectives, and ideas from the introverts.

So many leaders are missing gems of wisdom buried right inside their teams because they haven’t learned to make space for the quiet ones, either by controlling a meeting so the talkers talk less, or by coaching those introverts to speak up, even when uncertain or afraid.

I see this in volunteer-led boards all too often. They lose valuable volunteers because they feel unheard, unrecognized, and unimpressed by the actions of a board that doesn’t seem to value their input.

So what can you do about this?

How do you make space for those introverts to add their much-needed words of wisdom?

Making Space For The Quiet Ones

1- Name the elephant in the room.

When I facilitate, I like to begin by asking,

“OK - so who are my talkers in the room? You know who you are!”

I do it in a lighthearted manner, but I mean business. The talkers quickly identify themselves. Then I ask them to kindly speak last, making room for the normally less-talkative ones to share first. I explain the strategy and the reasoning. This lays the groundwork for a more productive forum. You will have to remind them every time because my extroverts may tend to forget. But calling it out regularly creates awareness of the challenge and buy-in for the solution strategy.

2- Coach your introverts to share.

Saying, “Ok, the introverts go first”, doesn’t always work, not initially.

You can make those personality types very uncomfortable, even panicked, by putting them on the spot. Remember it is not just that they feel stifled by the more assertive personalities, sometimes they welcome the chance to hide in the corner and process. At times they will even say, “No, Thank you - Pass.”

So it is vital to train and coach the introverts to speak up more. You do this by inviting their input, making it feel like a safe space to contribute, by positive affirmation and validation.

“Thank you for bringing that up. You make a great point. We value your input."

Beware! When an introvert dips a toe in the speaking water and gets chastised or invalidated for speaking up, chances are they will be even more resistant to trying again. Many quiet types are just not willing to waste the energy if they don’t think it worth their breath. Make them see the value in speaking up any way you can.

3- Coach your talkers to shut up and listen!

Even if you let the introverts speak first, chances are one of your talkers is going to be quick to interrupt! Let me be clear here - interruption can be vocal AND it can also be expressed in body language - facial expressions, lack of eye contact, having a side-bar conversation or commentary.

Call it out immediately. Nip it in the bud.

While we don’t want to discourage open discussion and sharing of ideas, let’s be REAL - we know the talkers are prone to over-sharing, so train them on Active Listening.

Challenge them to practice the PAUSE - pause after someone has finished their thought, THEN acknowledge…THEN pause again…NOW offer your response.

This exercise is NOT easy for assertive behavioral styles. They tend to be fast paced, eager to get their points across quickly, impatient to move on, and short on attention when they consider someone is “droning on.” It can often produce a skin-crawling feeling while they wait to speak. I have experienced it personally so I know your struggle, Talkers!

Practice. Practice. PRACTICE!

4- Advocate for yourself.

On the reverse side, what if YOU are the introvert in a group of loud personalities? I get that question a lot.

"How do I make myself heard in a table full of "big personalities" who don't let me get a word in?"

I have addressed this many times when coaching more introverted clients on leadership tracks. What if your boss is the one that does not give you time and space to process and contribute?

Call it out. Advocate for yourself.

I know! This is not easy. Just take it in small steps.

Communicate your needs succinctly. Let your leaders and fellow teammates know that your communication style may be different than theirs, that you may need more time to process and respond. Assure them that if they accommodate, the outcome will be extremely valuable, as you are a detailed-oriented, conscientious person with a great deal of value to offer from your deep observations. This may sound like an intimidating proposition, but I promise it will be a game changer for your future group interactions and 1:1’s with your boss.

Name the elephant in the room and coach them to hold space for you. Sometimes it means we have to “coach up.” They will soon come to see the value in it.

Also, practice being brief and to-the-point, as the "talkers" have short attention spans.

Teams That Win

It takes all kinds of diverse personalities to make a winning team. There is value in assertion, decisiveness, and risk-taking, as there is in deep observation, inspection, and careful data analysis before big moves. The balance is where the power is. The balance requires all types of input from all types of team members.

Wise leaders consider all the traits and talents of the individuals on their teams so they can smartly leverage and balance them out.

Coach those extroverts into listening more.

Coax those introverts into sharing more.

You can create more powerful, cohesive teams and boards if you can help your individuals master these key points. The result will be more emotionally intelligent and productive teams with increased winning potential.